Monkey On Your Back: On the Couch Version

Pandemic Bonding Continues:

New York is opening up a bit recently, but it hasn’t really changed our sons’ couch-centric quarantine lifestyle.

And they can exercise while on the couch, mostly through”body-weight” exercises.

Inktober 2019 Day 12

Participate in Relaxing Activities Before Bed:

Inktober 2019 Day 12

I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead. Maybe.

We are always keen to get the kids off their screens before bed so they can do something low tech. So relaxing for the whole family.

(That’s a rubber knife, in case you are wondering. But still, not exactly calming for the observer or the participants.)

I’m posting this close to midnight, so you can see that I am no example of sleep virtue today. There were some very extenuating circumstances...and I am wearing my red glasses....

Fortnite Llama

Llama, Llama, Fortnite Drama:

Damaged as I am by 15 years of sleep deprivation, I cannot hear the word “llama” without mentally echoing “Llama,  Llama, Red Pajama.” This is the hooky title of a children’s book that I read over and over again to at least one of our kids. (The younger one claims no knowledge of it, but that probably means I only read it to him 50 times instead of the 100 times I read to his brother.) 

Five minutes of googling tells me that this 2005 book by Anna Dewdney has since become a “cultural touchstone” and a franchise (several sequel books, a Netflix series, a rap by Ludacris, etc) So I am no doubt not the only one burdened by the mental compulsion to echo all instances of “llama” with “pajama.” 

But there is a strange relevance here in regard to Fortnite and online gaming.... 

Ms. Dewdney’s book was about a young person’s difficulty with staying alone in his bedroom without his mama.

As I recall, baby llama’s poor self-regulation eventually led to much “llama drama,” boo-hooing, and wailing, which finally summons his annoyed mother to tell him to simmer down and go to sleep....while of course reassuring him of her love. 

The drama, wailing, and general poor self-regulation in our house is now less about separation anxiety and more about the frustrations of online gaming in general...and Fortnite in particular.

We had intense stress about llamas over the weekend. I cannot claim a deep understanding of these “llama”/piñata things’ role in the game, but their acquisition is essential. Hysteria can easily blossom when they can’t be found...or when, GOD FORBID, one is snatched away from under ones nose by another player.

Listening to my sons intermittently screech in frustration is perhaps unnecessarily traumatic for me. If only I, like the mother in the book, could successfully encourage less startling expressions of llama drama.

... but let’s be serious, I never succeeded in getting them to go to bed without drama.  

At least we did get a llama, so there’s that.

Optimal Pet Rat

We still remain petless despite our younger son’s sincere and persistent requests for a dog.

As I am sure I have already mentioned, I suggested to the kids that a rat would be a smaller, easier, pet...and maybe something that would not aggravate their father’s allergies.

Unsurprisingly, no one wants a pet rat.

Maybe we see too many of the non pet variety on the subway....and in our yard and garbage cans.

During one of our pet rat conversations, our younger son said, “we can get a pet rat, as long as it is larger than my brother and can teach me Kung Fu!”

Then there was some bickering about whether the hypothetical rat should be named Splinter or Ratatouille. 

If only there were a giant rat that could cook and provide educational exercise for the kids...

More likely the large rodent would be sitting on the couch eating cookies and watching YouTube just like the kids.

Birthday Card/Couch

Birthday Napkin for a Significant Birthday:

I was lacking an appropriate gift for a kind and generous relative who has often been particularly kind and generous to my sometimes apparently ungrateful sons.

Napkin: The answer to every problem. 

(Or perhaps not.)

We are past the point where I can get the kids to make charming decorated cards.  Let’s face it, a card perfunctorily scrawled by a disgruntled 15 year old is definitely less winsome than a cute drawing labored over by a six year old.

How winsome is a drawing on a napkin produced by a perpetually disgruntled middle aged woman?

Best not to answer that. 

Suffice it to say: we do cherish the recipient, and I definitely meant well. 

And there is always the chance that a drawing will turn out better when I produce it quickly under a time pressure.

Yes, that sometimes happens. Not frequently.

(I was in fact trying to make the family couch say happy birthday...if that is unclear)

Bears at Home on the Couch

Sometimes the bear is your bro:

My younger son really enjoyed Shannon Hale's "Real Friends," illustrated by LeUyen Pham.

"Real Friends" is the semi autobiographical story of a middle schooler's fraught relationships with her friends at school and her volatile older sister who is sometimes portrayed as a giant bear. 

Which brings us to the question of which sibling is the Grizzly at our house?

My vote is: 

Both. 

Obviously.

Dinovember Foot Rub

Are you my mother?

Dinovember is an idea created and promoted by two plastic dinosaur toy owning parents, Refe and Susan Tuma. They supposedly convinced their young children that their dinosaur toys came to life during the night by posing the toys in various scenarios around the house so they would be discovered when the kids got up in the morning. Every day of the month it would be as if the kids' dino figurines have been up to something: eating cereal in the kitchen, congregating around the pieces of a vase they broke, or more improbably, cleaning the bathroom. Since the Tumas have spun their Dinovember Facebook page pictures  into a successful picture book, the dinosaurs have become more adventurous, breaking eggs, practicing dentistry, and even running for president.

Alas, we are much less ambitious (and successful) at our house. 

While I was all in for Inktober, making a creepy drawing everyday in ink for the entire month of October (managed to convince at least 300 followers to depart our Instagram account during the one month!) I didn't think I could manage a whole month of dinosaur related posts.

But here's one at least.

Our kids' favorite spot after a hard day at school is our disintegrating Costco couch. They often ask me to "snuggle" on said couch with them. What the younger on really wants is for me to rub his feet while he watches YouTube videos. 

After reading Marvel's "Moongirl and Devil Dinosaur," the kids agreed that it would be good to have one's own dinosaur.

Particularly if you have one that will rub your feet....

My younger son looked at this napkin and asked, "Mom, are you a dinosaur?"

(The dinosaur was based on one entered in a Stan Winston dinosaur competition by Tom Rush. I did not come up with the turquoise coloring on the Velociraptor's face, but it paired nicely with my sons' shirt and socks)

Belated Batman Day

The Dark Knight used to be a more important guy at our house. His stock has fallen quite a bit since the days when there were bitter fights over who got to wear the Batman costume. Neither boy was much impressed to hear that yesterday had been declared Batman Day. (By DC, I assume)

When asked what sort of napkin would be appropriate for the occasion, they sarcastically told me I should draw Fat Batman and Midget Batman. I thought maybe a bit less political incorrectness would be preferable, and drew Lazy Batman and Baby Batman instead.

The Bat Guys are parked on our beaten-down couch in front of the TV, perhaps embodying sloth and immaturity in the Bat Universe....or maybe just in our house this weekend.

(After this napkin, I noticed how many times our rapidly decomposing Costco couch had made an appearance, so I added a "couch" label so you can see how much trouble I have had drawing this piece of furniture over the last three years...here's the link.)

Giant Pet Ant

The kids' takeaway from seeing the "Ant Man" movie over the weekend was that they need a giant ant for a house pet.

As their father and I pointed out, they are already doing a fine job of feeding many pet ants already. Our apartment has old wooden factory floors with deep gaps between the boards which serve as excellent ant highways. Thus the ants rarely have to reveal themselves on their frequent trips to retrieve the many morsels of food that our kids courteously leave for them on the floor.  But make no mistake, they are there in full force.

In one of our kids' favorite scenes in the movie, the hero's cute daughter feeds the accidentally-enlarged dog-sized ant scraps from her plate under the dinner table. Nothing would please our kids more than passing off some brussel sprouts or kale to a cool pet.....except maybe climbing over the couch while riding on an even bigger pet.

Couch climbing is technically forbidden in our apartment, but it would be hard to argue with an ant who is big enough to be a cast member of the movie "THEM!"

Relaxing at Home with a Pet Velociraptor

Watching TV with your pet raptor is fun...unless he won't shut up during your favorite show.

Sometimes I draw things that I know the kids are not going to like,  just because I can't help myself. My younger son is always unhappy when I draw a picture of him that looks even remotely like him.

His first reaction to the this one:
"Nooooo!"
His second reaction:
"Maybe I will take it to camp, if you give me a foot rub."

Watching TV with a Giant Kitten

Ansel is still languishing at home, mourning the loss of his tonsils and in constant need of doses of Tylenol, sympathy and foot massage. He's been mostly parked on the couch, watching TV, and he strongly prefers to have company while viewing dreadful Disney reruns. I've gotten to the point where another 22 minutes of "Jessie" might bring on a cerebral hemorrhage, so I've been fantasizing about a cooperative and soothing pet who would placidly sit on the couch with him while he convalesces.

It seemed like a good time to make another giant pet napkin (previously a Chihuahua and a Rat)

I was also thinking of the photos from 1971 of Tippi Hedren and her family living with Neil the lion that have been circulating recently. Ansel looked at those pictures and said, "I want to live with a lion too."

I somehow managed to make the large kitten look at least as threatening as the lion. Perhaps this somehow reflects my state of mind after spending a week incarcerated in the apartment with my sons.

Scribblenauts At Our House

 

Rarely are my sons drawn to an app or game that is age appropriate, and... dare I type the words?... educational.

Scribblenauts is one of the outstanding exceptions.  The game creates characters and objects based on the player's typed requests.  It is true that Archer loves it because he can ask for things like "Derringer" and actually get a specific sort of gun, so perhaps I should revise the age appropriate description.  But in a world that contains things like Grand Theft Auto (Archer is devastated that we will not let him play what he calls affectionately GTA) Scribblenauts looks really good to me.

Ansel is finally getting to the point that he can type in his own requests (with significant assistance) and the above characters hanging out around our couch are a few of his favorites:  The Grim Reaper riding a griffin, Anubis, the Minotaur (also summoned by "manbearpig") with the skeleton warrior on his back, and the Egyptian god Ra.  Lazy napkin decorator that I am, I neglected to draw one favorite, the "Antidisenstablishmentarian"(a guy in black with a red bandana over his face) who was riding a flying chimera.

Napkin Not For A Lunchbox 10

From the 24 hours of dysfunctional parenting series:  this is 7:15 am, just before we need to race out the door on our way to school, the kids are (not) hard at work, getting dressed, brushing their teeth, checking their backpacks...

They usually wait until I am exhibiting symptoms of total hysteria before getting motivated.  And, yes, they are watching TV, which, were I a competent parent, would be withheld as a reward until they are completely ready to go.  

But the offer of TV allows me to get the younger child out of bed and somewhat upright without a vicious wrestling match.  If he is watching TV, at least I do not have to try and excavate him after he has rolled himself in the quilt and is clinging to the bed frame... or search all the closets in the apartment.

(You can see the whole series so far at this link. )

Napkin Not For A Lunchbox 5

Finishing the week of 24 hour non lunchbox napkins: This one is 8pm: Post dinner wrestling and couch abuse.

(You can see the whole series so far at this link. )